February

by Rayanne Asuncion//

Part 1:

7 February 2020 

I loved him for three years, and I thought I would love him for every year beyond. We braved distance and time together. FaceTimes until we could run into each other’s arms. We were drunk off youth and love. It was eternal summer.

Then it ended. 

On a cold winter day, it ended with a little blue bubble from hundreds of miles away. I was on a bumpy bus with about 20 other faceless figures, tears running down my cheeks. 

Part 2:

14 February 2020

I came home from college and I sobbed in my bed for a week straight. I cursed the world and I cursed the name of love. Valentine’s Day 2020 was loneliness in my room, eating my weight in chocolate. I hallucinated that he knocked on my front door, but that was just the sugar high. I went back to college and drank enough to drunk text him and not feel embarrassed about it. When I wasn’t drunk, I was silent crying in the top bunk of my dorm room. 

In the mirror I saw a banshee: a grotesque figure with slits for eyes and a drippy nose. She was screaming so loud I thought it might break the mirror. A sad, pathetic, hopeless creature. I was terrified, and couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. 

Part 3.1

14 February 2021 

A year later, and I’m fine. I think that I’ve finally found peace. I have shed the skin of him and grown a new one for myself. 

Part 3.2:

I still think about him a lot. I’m still living in the town that once was ours. Everyday I drive by the shadows of another person that I can’t recognize anymore. I am afraid to see him again, afraid that the earth will shake and the rock that I forged would crumble again. 

Part 3.3:

I don’t miss him, but I miss the person that I used to be when I was with him. I was so Happy, with a capital H. I was young and in love; optimistic about the world, innocent to the vices of man. I had no responsibilities or worries. I was free. 

Part 3.4:

Fuck him, man. This guy ended a 4 year relationship over a fucking text message. He didn’t even say it to my face. I hate him and what he did. It’s so fucking stupid that I spent 4 transformative years of my life with him. How the fuck did I let him wittle me down until I was nothing? 

Part 3.5:

I have blossomed into a new woman. Being alone taught me that I am capable of loving myself. 

I internalize my own emotions and reckon with them every single day. 

I am in love with myself. 

I am on the path to becoming my higher self. 

I am in the most important metamorphosis of my life. 

I am free.

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