Letter to my Depression

Issabel Pantaleon //

I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. How much I miss you. Where did you go? Why does my life feel so empty without you? It’s like this little piece of me is missing, so small I only notice when it’s really quiet and you would usually be whispering in my ear. Lulling me to the dreamless sleep that you wished I would make forever. On the good days I don’t miss you at all and would rather you stayed gone. Good riddance! You were never my friend! Leave me alone! Then come the days where you’re there again but just a little farther away. It’s as though I’m feeling you through a veil and all I want is the weight of your presence. Like a weighted blanket made of stars. When you were with me I could feel everything! So powerful! The sadness was so intense I felt as though I could scream and cry for hours! I miss that. I miss the intensity you gave me and the depths of the thoughts you gifted me. Here I am, happier, yet going through life as if something is missing. Where are you? 

I think you liked me feeling small. When something bad happened you were the only one there for me and now that I have people to talk to, you’ve disappeared. You were my first friend. When someone told me no one would like me because I was Mexican, you were the only one who knew. I miss the peaceful feeling of nothing and everything all at once. I feel so lost without you. My whole life you’ve been there and some days I just want you back. Do you want me back? 

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